1 down, 51 to go.

I finished my first book of 2012. 1 down, 51 to go:) 


I sort of wish I had picked a different book as the first one of the year. I read "Maine" by J. Courtney Sullivan.  It was more of a Summer read than a Winter one. I sort of knew that before I even started the book though so that's my own fault. I'm not even really sure what exactly drew me to the book in the first place. I guess it looked pretty on the library shelf or something. Maybe I was wishing for a bit of sunshine in the middle of this very wet, rainy Winter we've had so far. 


It wasn't a terrible book. Just not a great book. It took awhile to get into at first as I wasn't sure exactly where the plot was headed. Eventually I did end up liking the characters. I think the author did a really great job developing them. At almost 400 pages I felt I knew them pretty well--and could even relate to them on some level. The problem, for me, with the book was that after almost 400 pages I needed some closure. And there was none to be had here. I was invested in these characters!! I NEED to know what happened with them. Instead I ended up with a lot of loose ends. A few loose ends are okay. Real life isn't neat and tidy all the time so I don't really expect my books to be either. But some closure on the bigger issues would've been nice. When I closed the book for the last time I ended up feeling empty. I felt like I didn't know much more in the end than I knew in the beginning. It was unsatisfying to say the least. 


In other news the vet called--It's time to pick up Shiloh's ashes. I can't believe how FAST they were. We dropped off Shiloh's body on Monday morning and they called Tuesday afternoon. I told the kids that we were going to swing by and pick the ashes up after I picked them up from school. Maia just about lost it. She doesn't want to step foot anywhere near that vet's office. And I suspect she really wants nothing to do with the ashes either. Truth be told, neither do I. It's sort of weird to me that we burned our dog's body up and are now going to have these ashes sitting around in a box. What are we supposed to do with them? We really don't have anywhere to scatter them. I'm not sure how I feel about that scenario anyway. Chances are the box with the ashes will be put up on a shelf and eventually forgotten about. Not that Shiloh will be forgotten because that will never happen. Just the ashes. We didn't have many alternatives besides cremation though. You're not supposed to be burying animals in your backyard so that was out. I'm not sure I could have handled that option anyway. A pet cemetery was out of the question too. I know they exist. People buy plots,  caskets and even headstones for their pets all the time. Honestly, I loved and adored my sweet girl, but that seems way over the top to me. There is no way that I would be visiting an animal's grave site with flowers and grave decorations in hand. It's hard enough to do that for the actual people that we have loved and lost. And as much as I loved Shiloh--she wasn't a person. It came down to letting the vet throw her body away or cremation. I couldn't stand the thought of my beloved girl being tossed away like trash so cremation it was. I think picking her up is an Andy job though. I don't think I can handle it. I still miss her so much:( It's very hard adjusting to life without her. 


Wow...that was morbid! Sorry. 

The first day of the new year. Moving forward.

Well, I was going to have a post full of all the great wonderful things that filled our day yesterday. All the wonderful things that we did to kick our New Year day off to a great start. Instead I have this to share. A story about how our dear, sweet Shiloh left this Earth.

 Andy and I had noticed that Shiloh was having a harder time getting up and lying down the last few days. Her back legs seemed to be bothering her but she never really complained. Never whimpered or cried. Yesterday I noticed her breathing was a bit weird. When I pointed it out to Andy though he couldn't see what I was talking about. It was just very subtle. 

Yesterdy afternoon we had company over and Shiloh came out to visit and everything. Maia and her friend Brianna brushed her and loved on her lots. She was still going up and down the stairs and eating. I never would've guessed that she would die just a few short hours later.  She did let Willow lay close to her for the past 2 days though and she has NEVER let her do that before. That should have been our first clue that something was very wrong I guess. Anyway, she camped herself out in front of the laundry room door and wouldn't move when I tried to go in to switch the laundry over. She still popped her head up and greeted me. Licked my hand even, she didn't really act like anything was wrong. It was more like she was being stubborn, which she was really good at, than  about not being able to move. I bent down and rubbed her and told her she didn't need to move that I would do laundry later  Andy, the kids and I all played a board game. We were still in very close proximity to Shiloh though and none of us  heard her whimper, cry or even have labored breathing. When the game was over  Maia needed something from the room that SHiloh was in. She said that she noticed that Shiloh was very still. Too still. Willow was in her cage, crying and pointing her paw towards Shiloh. We didn't put Willow in her cage and her door was open so Maia knew right away that something was very wrong. Willow never goes in her cage voluntarily. Maia went straight to Shiloh and tried to shake her. She shook her again and didn't get any reaction from Shiloh so she screamed for Andy. We all heard her and went running. She died sometime in the hour that we were playing the game. She never made a sound so it must have been a very peaceful passing. Everybody is devastated. Maia is really having a rough time. I wish it had been Andy or me that found her and not Maia. Poor Maia is never going to forget this. Shiloh was Isaac's very best friend. She was always such a good listener.  He is trying so hard to be brave. Isaac was so good to Shiloh. So gentle and kind. He made sure that she received lots of attention every evening. The kids don't even know what life is without Shiloh. She was here before them:) My first baby. The house seems very quiet. And empty. Even though all the rest of us are still here. 

I am thankful that she died peacefully. On her own. I know that we couldn't have made the decision to put her down ourselves. I'm thankful that she's not in pain anymore. I know she's thrilled to be able to run and jump again. She's probably off on some grand adventure.  I'm thankful she was our faithful friend for 14 years. I miss her desperately  though:(  I am sick of death. I can't take any more losses. This year has been too hard. Asher keeps saying that Grandma Eileen has a dog in Heaven now. He thinks they're living together:) I hope he's right. 

Last night she was all wrapped up in a warm blanket, in a box in the garage. I kept wanting to check on her just in case she wasn't really dead, wishful thinking on my part. Andy and Isaac took her to the vet first thing this morning. They will send her off to be cremated.  Can't believe we are starting the year off with yet another death. One of Shiloh's very favorite things was to play in the snow. She loved to catch snowballs:) This morning we woke up to our first flurries of the year. I'm sure those few snowflakes were God letting us know that Shiloh is fine. All is good. Life moves on. 

Before tragedy struck we had a really lovely day! It was filled with lots of laughter and fun. Good food, board games and even a visit from some friends. I read a book, blogged and set up a meal plan. All positive starts to a brand New Year. I am devastated that my girl is gone. She has seen me through many a crises and countless good times too. But, I can't let her death affect my plans, my positive mindset for the start of something new. So while we're sad, and many tears have and will be shed over our loss...we are still moving forward. Still ready to tackle a brand new year with positive attitudes!

The kids head back to school tomorrow. Andy heads back to work. I get to find my normal routine again. Not the routine I followed before break because that routine was sucking the life out of me. But something new, fresh and exciting.  

Hello 2012!!!

We spent New Year's Eve hanging out together. This is our normal tradition. I don't think we've strayed from it since the year Isaac was born. We were invited to a few different places this year that we seriously considered breaking our normal traditions for. I really really wanted to hang out with my in law's. The cost of gas and the distance between our houses prevented that though. It just wouldn't have been a smart choice to travel so far so late. We were also invited over to a friend's home. Unfortunately, before we were even able to accept the invite the party was cancelled. Or we were uninvited might be a more accurate way of putting it.

I'll admit that at first I was seriously disappointed!! But by the end of the evening I was so happy that we stuck with our normal family party. I wouldn't want to ring in the New Year with anyone but my little clan anyways. We watched a Twilight Zone marathon, not my choice at all but it was fun watching Asher get so into it. Apparently he LOVES Twilight Zone! A lot! We played lots of fun board games--Isaac is super fun to play Clue with because we use the exact same strategy :). I can't trick that boy anymore!! And what party would be complete without FOOD!! We had appetizer's, which again falls right in line with our normal traditions. We were all stuffed by the end of the night. Yummy little meatballs, queso, spinach artichoke dip and stuffed mushrooms made all of our bellies happy! I didn't even cook 2 or 3 other recipes that I had planned on making because we had more than enough to keep us happily munching away through midnight!!

All of that is good and all but my favorite traditions center more around discussions than play and food. As a family we always share a best of and worst of (insert previous year here). We go around and share what we want to do differently in the coming year. Individually and as a family. We talk about ways that we can make those goals happen. And then we talk about what accomplishments from the previous year that we were most proud of ourselves for. Andy and I always take time to tell the kids why we are proud of them too: and we share WHY we are proud of them. We give them specific instances that we noticed them doing their best at.  The kids are really open during this talk every year and it never fails that I learn something new about the people that they are becoming. We always always always start the year off with Bible devotions and family prayer. This is really something that we do everyday but we make sure to do it shortly after midnight on New Years. We feel like it gets our family off to a fresh start!! The prayers are specific and in depth.

I don't usually do resolutions. As soon as I add the word resolution I am sure to fail. So I adopt goals instead:) Here are a few of the goals that I shared with my family last night:

I want to:
Start and actually finish a personal devotional.

Have a set time each day to spend with Jesus.

Read 52 books this year.

Blog 5 times a week.

Take a picture every single day.

Learn to use my camera. I have a ton of resources bookmarked but haven't read them yet.

Work out and eat healthy (sigh...I say this every year)

Do several Pinterest projects each week. I keep pinning but not doing:)

Have people over more often.

Do a better job sending out cards and such. Many times a person will pop up in my mind and I'll think I should call them or send them a card. It's probably God's prompting. I always pray for them but never follow through with the card or even a phone call.

Send baked goods into work with Andy one day a week. Haven't decided if I should send them on Monday or Friday. I just know that I want to send him with something each week. His people are really there for him and I want to give back in some way:)

Be more organized with our meal plans. And our evenings. Our evenings now are chaos. I need a better system.

There's more. Lots more. I have lofty goals this year:) But that's all I'm gonna share for now.

Our family's goal is to finally find a church where we belong. Get our finances and budget in order. Gather up a stock pile. Make more connections with other Christian families and of course to spend more meaningful time together!!

Did you make goals this year?

Good Bye 2011!!

It's no secret that 2011 has been a rough year for me.

I lost my grandma to cancer in a very cruel, abrupt way. That woman was like a mother to me and I miss her every. single. day!! Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could call her just to hear her voice. Get her advice. Heck, I would even like to hear her yell at me again:) It was a crushing blow to lose her. In fact, it's the reason that I abandoned my poor blog for so long. It was just too painful to write and share my memories of her.

I also lost my bff this year. In a very very upsetting way:( It was abrupt and completely unexpected. Certain things just can't be "un"done though and this ending was a prime example of that. I found a quote on Pinterest not long after the dissolving of the friendship " At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life". So totally fitting in my life right now in this particular circumstance.

Our church home situation is abysmal at best. We thought we'd found a church home but we're really not feeling it there. Not to mention our small group completely disappeared somewhere along the way. I'm not sure if they've disbanded altogether or if they just ousted only us, but at the end of the day they don't return e-mails and have seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. I can't get return e-mails from the pastor either. Isaac was supposed to be baptized last year but somehow the ball keeps getting dropped at the administration level. I can't figure out why, after over 3 years, God hasn't placed us in a church where we can grow and thrive? Develop Godly relationships and support systems? I know He's trying to teach us something but we really NEED a church home. He just seems so silent lately.

There have been lots of other disappointments and losses along the way. Many many struggles this year in many different areas of my life. So yeah...I'm ready to kick 2011 to the curb!!

I'll keep all the awesome and forget the rest. Some of the awesome moments were learning that my kids are spectacular!! Of course I've always known this but this particular year it was just completely confirmed. They all 3 transitioned to new schools almost effortlessly. They have all 3 made new friends.  Their grades are all wonderful. Asher has worked very hard and has successfully learned to say the "R" sound. Talk about an accomplishment!! He has gained so much confidence in himself. Isaac refused to leave my grandma's bedside as she lay dying. He sat right next to her and held her hand for hours. Maia comforted me in a way no one else could in the hours after my grandma's death. And Asher was just so amazing through the whole thing. He seemed to realize and was able to verbalize better than the other 2 his feelings about our enormous loss. He is the one that still openly talks about grandma and his love for her. Isaac makes me laugh like no one else!! Maia is such a caretaker. A natural nurturer! And Asher is still a cuddlebug. He's a little Cassanova in the making I think. I have the stories to prove it. He is growing and learning by leaps and bounds.

Andy has remained fabulous throughout this past year, even through trials and many tribulations. He gets up and goes to work each and every day even through really difficult circumstances. I know it kills him but he takes his job to support us seriously so he sucks it up. Even though he is exhausted at the end of his work day, he still manages to come home to us in a good mood. He is such a kind, loving husband and a phenomenal father.

We have each other and we have good health. We have a roof over our heads and food on the table. Most importantly we have a God who loves us. He loves us through the good times and the bad times. Even whe He seems silent to me I know He is still there. Loving me and taking care of me.

So good riddance 2011!! You can take all of the unhappiness, the hurt and the pain that you brought with you.  I certainly don't want any of it anymore!! I'll just take the good with me and leave the bad with you. How's that for a deal? I'm ready to stroll into 2012 with a new heart attitude. Here's to a fresh new start World!!

On Mourning

You people were supposed to call me out if I slacked off here!! And slack off I certainly did:) I've had a rough time emotionally for the past several months, anytime I struggle like that I usually start to distance myself from the World at large. I suppose that's exactly what happened here. 


My grandmother was diagnosed with, and then died from, lung cancer, within a very short time frame. When I wasn't driving back and forth to be with her, I was crying because I knew her last days were coming. Although I did think we would have more time left with her than we ended up having. Dr's gave her 8 months, but in reality she only survived about 8 weeks. Try as I might I still just can't seem to imagine my life without her presence. It's a daily struggle for me. I have officially gone the longest I have ever gone without speaking to her. Today marks 15 days since I've heard her voice. I keep thinking I'm getting a bit better with each passing day, but then something always happens that throws me back full force into my grief . Today I broke down in tears during Worship at church. It hit me so unexpectedly. I know that this isn't the last time that this will happen. I could probably cry a whole river of grief with all the pain in my heart. Sad but true. 


Here's the thing though, my grandmother would NOT want me to do that. She was a woman who enjoyed life to the fullest. Anybody that knew her would tell you that's true. She lived a hard life. Her childhood was extremely difficult at best. She grew up during the depression. Her 1st husband died, leaving her a single mother of 3. She did remarry and have another child, my dad:). They traveled and even packed up a camper to move across the country to Arizona. With 4 young children in tow! How's that for adventure? Eventually she found him to be cheating on her, which again left her as a single mother. This time to 4 children. But she worked hard and made her life work to her advantage. 


And she had loads and loads of fun while she was doing that. She traveled extensively, visiting every single continental state plus Europe. She laughed!! Lots of times she even laughed at herself--which most of us don't do enough of. I know I tend to take myself way too seriously at times. She rarely did that. That's not to say she didn't have strong opinions--because she did. She had no problem voicing those opinions either. My kids took to calling her "crabby grandma". But here's the thing, the more she crabbed at you, the more she loved you. A truer statement has never been spoken. Her crabbiness stemmed from her not wanting her loved ones to have to suffer. She didn't want us to know pain. She loved us all fiercely and was wildly protective of us. She had lots of life experience and she had no problem doling out advice based on that experience. She wasn't always right, lots of times she was flat out wrong:) Sometimes her unwanted advice was nothing short of rude and I will admit she hurt my feelings more than once--but her HEART was always in the right place. In the end, that's what counts. I have so much more to say about her!! And I will--in another post. I can't wait to share how she lived her life and the gifts that she left me with. 


Right now though I want to share the words that were on her memorial cards at the funeral home:

                                   

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow, 

But remember me in every tomorrow. 

My going  has eased my pain and given relief, 

Forget that I ever had heartache

 and remember that I had loads of fun. 

So dry your eyes and forget your grief, 

Remember the joy, our laughter, my smile. 

And that our being apart is for just awhile. 

Remember me also as I used to be, 

Understand in your hearts, so precious to me, 

That I've gone on ahead to dwell up above, 

Stand for a few moments beside me, 

and remember only the love, 

And til we're once more together...

You have all of my love. 

I don't know who originally penned these words, but they sound exactly like something my grandmother would say. So much so that when my mother read the words, she asked if my grandmother had written them herself. These words, along with lots of prayer, are what is getting me through the hard times. I look at my children, whom my grandmother loved and adored with everything she had, and then I remind myself of these words. She wants me to pick myself up and keep going. She wants me to continue being an awesome mama to my 3 beautiful children.  It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be lonely for the woman who took me in and loved me when I needed it most. Jesus was sad and wept when his friend died. He mourned. I'm definitely going to be in mourning for a long time to come. You may catch me in a mess of unexpected tears. But if I'm going to honor her, the greatest thing I can do is to continue living! To be the best wife and mother I can be, to have fun and laugh at myself every once in awhile, to not be afraid to make mistakes and most of all? To love and serve those around me! That's how she lived her life--and it was a beautiful life indeed:) 

Getting stuff done...

Today we finally got moving and got some errands done!! Yay us:) Maia had an eye appointment bright and early this morning. Her prescription changed just a bit, but other than that she has great overall eye health!! The tech pulled about 20 pairs of glasses for Miss Maia to try on but in the end she picked the same exact style she has now. She knew exactly what she wanted I guess. It was hard not to sway her towards this awesome green pair the tech had hand picked for her, but in the end I let it be her decision. And hey!! Whadya know? Our "free" glasses ONLY cost us $87.00 this time around!! Even though I was smart enough to forego the extra testing that our insurance doesn't pay for, I still had to pay out of pocket:( Part of it is my own fault though because we do get Maia the transition lenses, which aren't covered by our insurance. Our Dr. really stresses the transitions though as they block out harmful rays. And you know...I can't imagine NOT wearing sunglasses when it's bright out so I'm not going to make my child do it either.

Then we headed over to the Middle School Isaac was originally slated to attend so that we could get his records moved to his new school. I felt weird allowing them to make a copy of our electric bill but that's how we had to prove residency. It just felt odd leaving strangers with quite that much info about us. So it's official...Isaac is now enrolled into a Middle School where he knows virtually no one except one or two other boys. I do feel sad for him but I also feel strongly that this was the right decision. It's a good school. When I chatted about it with him today he said that he's excited to make a new start and meet new people. He still enjoys hanging out with all of his other friends, but really, you can never have too many friends right? For as much of a homebody as he is he is also pretty outgoing. I don't think he'll have a problem making new friends at all:)

We threw a couple of other errands in the mix and then we headed to the store to pick up some supper stuff. 3 kids in a store of free samples is always super fun:) NOT!! I swear my kids think they need to eat their body weight's worth of samples:) I have to drag them away kicking and screaming from the fancy cheeses. And let's not even get started on the bread!!

While we were there we ran into Maia's 2nd grade teacher, who actually now teaches 1st grade and whom I was  REALLY hoping Asher would get this coming school year. She is young, sweet, super nurturing and full of energy. But of course we are switching schools and I will now know NOTHING about any of the teachers my kids get:( I just need to keep praying that they all get the very best teachers for them. I'm sure God has a plan and He will work it all out,  but yet it's still a source of worry for me. Who doesn't want the very best for their babies? Speaking of my babies...I am off to spend some time with them:)

The Hood!!

We've had a very busy week. Sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing:) We have ALL been beyond lazy--you might even go so far as to say we've been slothlike!

The kids were supposed to go to my parents on Sunday night. I didn't plan anything fun for us to do because I really didn't think they would be here. I mean their first trip there was cancelled due to illness...certainly things would work out on the second try. Except maybe not...turns out my dad was hit by a truck late Saturday night. Craziness right? He's fine but still recovering. So I got to keep my kiddo's home with me and we sat around like sloths:) Mainly because it was so hot. But also because I was starting to worry about our hood:)

One of Maia's friend's parents told me how they are looking for a house "more North". More North is definitely nicer. I'd like to live there too:) Trust me we looked over that way!! Then we decided we liked the little things in life...like feeding our children!! So we started looking in our current neighborhood. We found a nice house in a nice neighborhood that we could afford. Not the perfect for us neighborhood, but a nice one. Our lender would've given us enough money to buy a house in the more desirable part of town, but we know our limits. It would be awesome to live over that way but we value things like...oh I don't know...the neccessities:) So anyway this lady keeps going on and on about how this neighborhood is bad and it's being infiltrated. Infiltrated by what I'm not sure? She's a nice lady and I understand that she's having problems with her specific Cul de Sac, which is not really near our street. But I still internalized what she was saying and let it affect me:( This is a real weakness of mine.

So all week long I have been stressing out that we bought a house in the worst hood in all of Columbus!! I have had nightmares and panic attacks thinking that we made the worst decision of our lives. I'm a little over dramatic sometimes if you haven't noticed:). SO tonight Andy thought it would be a good idea if we took the dogs out for a walk and explored our new area just a bit. I just knew we were going to see gangs and drug dealers on every corner. I mean really--my brain conjured up all sorts of awful scenarios that we would encouter on this outing!! Gun toting thugs were for sure out to get us. It turns out that we DID see gangs!! Gangs of runners, joggers, dog walkers and families out with their kids. For real?!?!?! We live in a nice neighborhood and I need to quit letting what others think cloud my vision:) It's an ongoing lesson with me I tell ya:) I'm a work in progress.

While we were out walking Asher smelled something yummy and told us that people were "steaking"!! It took me a few seconds to figure out that he meant grilling:) I love all of  Asher's "isms"!!

The only other productive things we did this week were take the dogs to the vet and put together our new trampoline. Andy declared that our old trampoline was too much to take apart and move so we left it behind for the new tenants. It was really starting to show wear and tear so I let it go. Aunt Jackie was kind enough to send us a new one!! And the new one...is BIGGER than the old one!! I don't know how that's possible considering the old one was a gigantic monster but she managed to find an even bigger one this time around. It's SUPER sized:)

Here's Isaac testing it out.

Flying through the air UPSIDE DOWN. Talk about no fear.

Miss Maia and her big TaDa. Somehow I missed her flip. It would probably help if I took the pictures in the daylight:) And yes she is see through her. Don't ask me how I did that because I have no idea!! I seem to have a special talent for it thought as this isn't the first time I've made one of my children see through.

Asher Photo Bombing us!! He is such a ham:) I didn't realize quite how high he could flip until tonight.

Hopefully we'll be a bit more productive the rest of this week and through the weekend. We have company coming to stay with us so I need to get busy to make sure everything is ready for them!