On Mourning

You people were supposed to call me out if I slacked off here!! And slack off I certainly did:) I've had a rough time emotionally for the past several months, anytime I struggle like that I usually start to distance myself from the World at large. I suppose that's exactly what happened here. 


My grandmother was diagnosed with, and then died from, lung cancer, within a very short time frame. When I wasn't driving back and forth to be with her, I was crying because I knew her last days were coming. Although I did think we would have more time left with her than we ended up having. Dr's gave her 8 months, but in reality she only survived about 8 weeks. Try as I might I still just can't seem to imagine my life without her presence. It's a daily struggle for me. I have officially gone the longest I have ever gone without speaking to her. Today marks 15 days since I've heard her voice. I keep thinking I'm getting a bit better with each passing day, but then something always happens that throws me back full force into my grief . Today I broke down in tears during Worship at church. It hit me so unexpectedly. I know that this isn't the last time that this will happen. I could probably cry a whole river of grief with all the pain in my heart. Sad but true. 


Here's the thing though, my grandmother would NOT want me to do that. She was a woman who enjoyed life to the fullest. Anybody that knew her would tell you that's true. She lived a hard life. Her childhood was extremely difficult at best. She grew up during the depression. Her 1st husband died, leaving her a single mother of 3. She did remarry and have another child, my dad:). They traveled and even packed up a camper to move across the country to Arizona. With 4 young children in tow! How's that for adventure? Eventually she found him to be cheating on her, which again left her as a single mother. This time to 4 children. But she worked hard and made her life work to her advantage. 


And she had loads and loads of fun while she was doing that. She traveled extensively, visiting every single continental state plus Europe. She laughed!! Lots of times she even laughed at herself--which most of us don't do enough of. I know I tend to take myself way too seriously at times. She rarely did that. That's not to say she didn't have strong opinions--because she did. She had no problem voicing those opinions either. My kids took to calling her "crabby grandma". But here's the thing, the more she crabbed at you, the more she loved you. A truer statement has never been spoken. Her crabbiness stemmed from her not wanting her loved ones to have to suffer. She didn't want us to know pain. She loved us all fiercely and was wildly protective of us. She had lots of life experience and she had no problem doling out advice based on that experience. She wasn't always right, lots of times she was flat out wrong:) Sometimes her unwanted advice was nothing short of rude and I will admit she hurt my feelings more than once--but her HEART was always in the right place. In the end, that's what counts. I have so much more to say about her!! And I will--in another post. I can't wait to share how she lived her life and the gifts that she left me with. 


Right now though I want to share the words that were on her memorial cards at the funeral home:

                                   

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow, 

But remember me in every tomorrow. 

My going  has eased my pain and given relief, 

Forget that I ever had heartache

 and remember that I had loads of fun. 

So dry your eyes and forget your grief, 

Remember the joy, our laughter, my smile. 

And that our being apart is for just awhile. 

Remember me also as I used to be, 

Understand in your hearts, so precious to me, 

That I've gone on ahead to dwell up above, 

Stand for a few moments beside me, 

and remember only the love, 

And til we're once more together...

You have all of my love. 

I don't know who originally penned these words, but they sound exactly like something my grandmother would say. So much so that when my mother read the words, she asked if my grandmother had written them herself. These words, along with lots of prayer, are what is getting me through the hard times. I look at my children, whom my grandmother loved and adored with everything she had, and then I remind myself of these words. She wants me to pick myself up and keep going. She wants me to continue being an awesome mama to my 3 beautiful children.  It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be lonely for the woman who took me in and loved me when I needed it most. Jesus was sad and wept when his friend died. He mourned. I'm definitely going to be in mourning for a long time to come. You may catch me in a mess of unexpected tears. But if I'm going to honor her, the greatest thing I can do is to continue living! To be the best wife and mother I can be, to have fun and laugh at myself every once in awhile, to not be afraid to make mistakes and most of all? To love and serve those around me! That's how she lived her life--and it was a beautiful life indeed:)