Morbid...read at your own risk!

So it wasn't *just* the book that threw me into a tailspin last week. I went and picked up Shiloh's ashes. Talk about heartbreaking!! It was supposed to be cute husband's job but he has just been so busy with work that the job fell to me. The reason that I didn't want to do it is because I knew I would break down into a crying mess right in the middle of the vet's office. Who wants to embarrass themselves that way? Not me!! But I did it anyway, embarrassed myself that is. Yep, I ended up crying buckets in front of the office staff and a handful of customers. It was ridiculous. I can't actually say I was embarrassed though. Everyone there was very kind and understanding.


So I brought Shiloh, or rather the ugly tin can full of dust that *used* to be Shiloh, home. I was sort of perplexed wondering what I was supposed to do with this tin now that I had it home. I set it on the buffet hoping to forget about it. Only, I couldn't forget about it, because IT is sitting smack dab in center of the hub of our home. Eventually it will make it's way to a back shelf in the closet. And even further down the road (hopefully not too much further) we will buy our forever home and bury the ugly tin in a pretty spot in the yard. But for now, I'm not quite ready to hide the tin away. I am learning that I like to dwell on things:) Sometimes dwelling on things can help me work through them. Working through things is hard work. Lots of times my mind goes to really bad, really ugly places before it can heal. That's where I'm at now. I don't know why I am this way but I just have always been. So there sits the tin.


What exactly am I dwelling over you may wonder? Well, a couple of weeks ago my dog was here. She was eating, breathing and taking up space in our home. Now, she is only taking up space in our hearts. She has been reduced to a pile of dust. Just that quick. Which of course leads me back to my grandma. Always back to my grandma lately.


Shiloh's quality of life over the past year has just been awful. She was in pain. A lot of pain. Her back legs were making it harder and harder for her walk. She fell down the steps frequently. She had patches of missing hair where she had scratched it all off. She always did this in the Spring and Fall but it just wasn't growing back this time. We think she was going blind. She slept most of the time. It really WAS time for her to go. For her own good. I know she is happier now, even if I'm not. She's at peace and in a better place. But that doesn't stop me from missing her. It doesn't stop me from longing to pet her soft fur and watch her sleep in her favorite spot, all curled up in the sunshine.


I feel the same, and so much more,  about my grandma. I physically hurt with the missing of her. Her last year was awful though. She had been in constant back pain for almost 2 years. She was repeatedly falling out of bed and having seizures. Her already cranky self was getting even more cranky. But then at same time she was getting sweeter. Not sure how that can even be possible but it's true. She was diagnosed with alzheimers. Thankfully she never got to the point where she forgot the people who loved her most, but she DID forget how to dress herself. My aunt walked in on her getting dressed one day and grandma was very perplexed, wondering why her shirt suddenly didn't fit right. Well it didn't fit right because it wasn't a shirt, but pants, that she was trying to put over her head. Sometimes she seemed fine, but most of the time  it was more than obvious that her lapses in memory were really increasing. At times she pouted like a little girl. Then she was diagnosed with the dreaded cancer. Terminal is a word that no one wants to hear. We were all devastated. My aunt pointed out that it was  good that grandma wouldn't have to go through  the terrible descent that is alzheimers. I know she's right. Wouldn't we all rather die quickly while we still have some wits about us rather than in a long, drawn out, completely undignified way? I know my grandma was spared her worst nightmare. So she's in Heaven now, with the Lord and many of her loved ones that passed on long before she did. I know she's happy. I know she wouldn't come back here, to Earth, if given a chance.


Which leads me to one of the things that has really been bothering me lately. My grandma's spirit left her earthly body as soon as she breathed her last breath. So did Shiloh's. They are completely removed from what was once their bodies. So why am I so concerned about those bodies?  I can't seem to quit dwelling on them. Bodies that, in reality, are completely useless now. Everytime I think of Shiloh as a pile of dust I get teary. I mean, I LET someone throw my sweet girl into a fiery furnace. And my grandma? Walking away from her casket, suspended above a hole in the ground, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I find myself wondering if that body is cold. Is it comfortable? We took great care making sure her hair was perfect and her suit was beautiful. We made sure she was wearing her favorite shade of lipstick and nail polish along with her favorite bracelet. I sent Shiloh off to the incinerator wrapped up in a favorite blanket. I left many many photos of my little family in my grandma's casket. Why did I feel compelled to do that? It's not like she is lying there looking through photo albums for crying out loud. It's not like she is reading the promises that I wrote on the back and holding me to them. Although I will be keeping those promises:) Why can't I, and so many others that have lost loved ones, let go of these empty, soulless bodies?


I think I have figured out why I can't let go just yet. Those bodies served a very important purpose here on Earth. Not only to those who lived within them, but to their loved ones as well.   Shiloh's body, her coat most especially, served as a tool of comfort for all of us in this house. She knew just when we needed her and she would show up to be petted. Is petted a word? Anyway, she had the softest fur!!! Just the act of stroking that fur brought me to a place of peace and quiet. She would put her head in my lap and tilt it at just the perfect angle to let me know she was listening to me. And my grandma? Her arms held me when I was afraid. They encircled me at night as I was falling asleep. Her hands lovingly brushed my hair and cooked meals to nourish me. They taught me to sew. Her ears listened to me and her mouth gave me advice. Sometimes it was bad advice!! But lots of other times the advice was good:) She was such a character!! Full of a zest and zeal for life like no one else I have ever known. She had the very best laugh and we all heard it often. She had no problem laughing at herself. All with her perfectly, peachy lipsticked mouth! No wonder it's hard for me to let go of their earthly bodies!!! Those bodies did very important things!! Even though Shiloh and my grandma don't need their bodies anymore? I still kind of need them. Most especially my grandma's. I need to hear her tell me she has faith in me and that I'm doing a good job with life. I need a hug from her!! I need her reassurance and her wisdom. I would give almost anything for one more game of Upwords and a bowl of her homemade rice pudding. So there it is...she may not need her earthly body anymore...but I DO still need it....very much...


Which brings me to what I am grateful for today. Isaac is 12&1/2 years old but yet he still hugs me all the time:) He doesn't really cuddle up on the couch with me anymore or let me read books to him or hold my hand through a parking lot...oh how I miss all of those things!!  But he DOES seek me out several times a day to give me enormously huge squeezy hugs!! Sometimes I think he does it just to get on my nerves because he picks the times that I MOST busy. When I am smack dab in the middle of something important like making supper:) I teasingly tell him to shoo and act like it's a big old inconvenience to me, but instead of letting  me go, he just squeezes harder. And I LOVE every. single. second of it!!!!!