Just Wondering

Right now--


I am making the sauce and filling for tonight's lasagna dinner. It smells delicious!! 


I am wondering why I ALWAYS burn my sausage and WHY does my tomato sauce always bubble so much it spits at me? Perplexing I tell ya. 


I am listening to  The River. 


I like The River, but I am sort of wondering why they always play the same songs over and over? Don't get me wrong...I like most of the songs, but some variety might be nice. 


I am waiting for my dryer to finish so I can match socks. Blah...not my favorite chore. 


I am wondering why my dog likes to eat our socks so much?  I have to buy new socks once a month because she rips them to shreds on a daily basis. I have NO IDEA how she gets to them either. They are in the laundry room behind a closed door. 


I am staring at Asher's half finished, badly mangled Pinewood derby car. It's really pathetic:( 


It's left me wondering why we always seem to wait for the last minute? Pinewood derby is this Saturday. Which leads me to wonder how Asher's special share presentation is going at school today. Again, something we did at the last minute. Poor kid. It must stink being the youngest:)


I am staring at the cluttered main level of our home. 


I am wondering why, with so many kid dedicated spaces in our house, my kids insist on playing on the main level? They have a family room, bedrooms and a large, fancy playroom, but they choose to leave all their stuff laying around MY space:) Crazy kids!!


I am reading a text from my friend Julie. 


I am wondering if I should go to a women's retreat with her this weekend? I should probably go. The topic is relevant to my life right now. But, if I go it will mean missing Maia's basketball game and Asher's Pinewood Derby. I never miss the kids events. Plus, it will mean leaving Andy to do it all on his own. Hardly seems fair. But, I could potentially make some new friends. Hmm...what to do...what to do?


In case you were wondering, here's my lasagna recipe:) It's a tried and true winner!! Taken from the book Mad Hungry-- Feeding Men and Boys by Lucinda Scala Quinn. I picked this cookbook up from the library a few years ago and instantly fell in love! Andy fell in love too, with all the yummy food I was making. The next Christmas the cookbook showed up under our tree. I asked him if it was my gift or a gift he bought for himself?


1 pd lasagna noodles or packaged precooked noodles
Coarse salt. 
5 links sweet Italian sausage, or a mixture of hot and sweet, pierced with a fork. (I use bulk Italian sausage--like Bob Evans brand)
1 large egg
1pd ricotta cheese
3/4 cup freshly grated pecorino romano or parmesan cheese, plus more for serving.
5 cups, basic italian tomato sauce--I use the accompanying recipe from the same book
1 pd fresh or prepackaged mozzarella cheese. Cut crosswise into 3/4 inch thick slices
extra virgin olive oil,  for drizzling


1) Bring a large pot of water to a boil over high heat. Add the noodles and a generous pinch of salt and cook for half as long as the package suggests. Drain and float in cold water. Skip this step if noodles are precooked:)


2) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In a medium skillet over medium-high heat, fry the sausage links until cooked through, about 10 minutes. (I just crumble my bulk sausage and skip the next steps). With kitchen scissors, cut the sausage into disks into the pan and continue to fry over low heat until the cut surfaces are crispy, about 20 minutes. Drain off the fat. 


3) In a medium bowl stir together egg, ricotta and 1/2 cup of the pecorino. 


4) To assemble the lasagna, Spread 1 cup of the tomato sauce in the bottom of a greased 9x13 inch baking dish. Drain and pat dry the noodles. Overlap 1/3 of the noodles atop the sauce to cover the bottom of the pan. Spread all the cooked sausage over the noodles and spoon over another cup of sauce. Lay down the second third of noodles. Evenly dollop all of the ricotta mixture on to the noodles and flatten with a spoon to make an even layer. Top with the remaining noodles to completely cover the cheese. Pour over 1&1/2-2 cups sauce to completely cover. Evenly layer all the mozzarella slices on top. Sprinkle around the remaining 1/4 cup pecorino and drizzle with olive oil. 


5) Bake uncovered (I keep mine covered because my peeps don't like crispy noodles) for 40 minutes or until the lasagna is bubbling all over and lightly golden on top. Let rest for 10-15 minutes before slicing. Serve with grated cheese and warm extra sauce. 


It's delicious!! Trust me:)

3 Down...49 To Go :)

I finished my 3rd book in record time!! It was so hard to put down. One of those books where you will stay up all night long reading just to find out what happens next. The book is called "Dani's Story" a journey from neglect to love, written by Bernie and Diane Lierow and Kay West.


This was a really really beautiful story!! I guess this case made national headlines and even earned the family a guest spot on Oprah. I must have been living under a rock when all this happened because I don't remember it at all. Of course I don't watch Oprah so that may explain it:) Andy saw the book at the library and thought I might enjoy it so he went ahead and brought it home. He must know me pretty well because it definitely is a book I would have picked for myself. It's basically about a family that decided to adopt and a little girl that was neglected so horribly that my brain, and more so my heart I guess, just can't comprehend it. Against all odds, and advice from the professionals, their worlds collided and came out the other side a family. They took the little girl that was un-adoptable, that no one wanted, loved her and made her their very own daughter.Everyone won at the end of this book. 


Isn't this exactly what Jesus does for us? Takes us in even though we are broken. Accepts us as His own despite our imperfect states? That right there is the definition of love. 


I was left with a sick feeling towards the CPS workers that LEFT Dani in unimaginable conditions not just once...but twice:(  If Dani had been removed from her home the 1st time CPS was made aware of her, then maybe she wouldn't suffer with profound special needs  today. Maybe her life would have been better. But at the same time...maybe if that were the case, then the Lierow's never would've found her? 


I also learned a bit about the way our brains work and just how critically important it is that we engage babies and young children. Some of this I already knew, synapses and all that, but Dani's story showed me exactly what happens when a child doesn't get to flourish in a loving environment. 


I was left wondering how Dani is faring today and hoping for some sort of update from her family. I doubt that will be coming anytime soon though as her family seems somewhat private. 


My kids are all back in school today after a 5 day break. It was a rough morning:) Everyone got where they were supposed to be though so I'm counting it as a success. Maia has basketball practice tonight so it'll be an evening of running around. After that I predict an early bed time for all of us:)   

Morbid...read at your own risk!

So it wasn't *just* the book that threw me into a tailspin last week. I went and picked up Shiloh's ashes. Talk about heartbreaking!! It was supposed to be cute husband's job but he has just been so busy with work that the job fell to me. The reason that I didn't want to do it is because I knew I would break down into a crying mess right in the middle of the vet's office. Who wants to embarrass themselves that way? Not me!! But I did it anyway, embarrassed myself that is. Yep, I ended up crying buckets in front of the office staff and a handful of customers. It was ridiculous. I can't actually say I was embarrassed though. Everyone there was very kind and understanding.


So I brought Shiloh, or rather the ugly tin can full of dust that *used* to be Shiloh, home. I was sort of perplexed wondering what I was supposed to do with this tin now that I had it home. I set it on the buffet hoping to forget about it. Only, I couldn't forget about it, because IT is sitting smack dab in center of the hub of our home. Eventually it will make it's way to a back shelf in the closet. And even further down the road (hopefully not too much further) we will buy our forever home and bury the ugly tin in a pretty spot in the yard. But for now, I'm not quite ready to hide the tin away. I am learning that I like to dwell on things:) Sometimes dwelling on things can help me work through them. Working through things is hard work. Lots of times my mind goes to really bad, really ugly places before it can heal. That's where I'm at now. I don't know why I am this way but I just have always been. So there sits the tin.


What exactly am I dwelling over you may wonder? Well, a couple of weeks ago my dog was here. She was eating, breathing and taking up space in our home. Now, she is only taking up space in our hearts. She has been reduced to a pile of dust. Just that quick. Which of course leads me back to my grandma. Always back to my grandma lately.


Shiloh's quality of life over the past year has just been awful. She was in pain. A lot of pain. Her back legs were making it harder and harder for her walk. She fell down the steps frequently. She had patches of missing hair where she had scratched it all off. She always did this in the Spring and Fall but it just wasn't growing back this time. We think she was going blind. She slept most of the time. It really WAS time for her to go. For her own good. I know she is happier now, even if I'm not. She's at peace and in a better place. But that doesn't stop me from missing her. It doesn't stop me from longing to pet her soft fur and watch her sleep in her favorite spot, all curled up in the sunshine.


I feel the same, and so much more,  about my grandma. I physically hurt with the missing of her. Her last year was awful though. She had been in constant back pain for almost 2 years. She was repeatedly falling out of bed and having seizures. Her already cranky self was getting even more cranky. But then at same time she was getting sweeter. Not sure how that can even be possible but it's true. She was diagnosed with alzheimers. Thankfully she never got to the point where she forgot the people who loved her most, but she DID forget how to dress herself. My aunt walked in on her getting dressed one day and grandma was very perplexed, wondering why her shirt suddenly didn't fit right. Well it didn't fit right because it wasn't a shirt, but pants, that she was trying to put over her head. Sometimes she seemed fine, but most of the time  it was more than obvious that her lapses in memory were really increasing. At times she pouted like a little girl. Then she was diagnosed with the dreaded cancer. Terminal is a word that no one wants to hear. We were all devastated. My aunt pointed out that it was  good that grandma wouldn't have to go through  the terrible descent that is alzheimers. I know she's right. Wouldn't we all rather die quickly while we still have some wits about us rather than in a long, drawn out, completely undignified way? I know my grandma was spared her worst nightmare. So she's in Heaven now, with the Lord and many of her loved ones that passed on long before she did. I know she's happy. I know she wouldn't come back here, to Earth, if given a chance.


Which leads me to one of the things that has really been bothering me lately. My grandma's spirit left her earthly body as soon as she breathed her last breath. So did Shiloh's. They are completely removed from what was once their bodies. So why am I so concerned about those bodies?  I can't seem to quit dwelling on them. Bodies that, in reality, are completely useless now. Everytime I think of Shiloh as a pile of dust I get teary. I mean, I LET someone throw my sweet girl into a fiery furnace. And my grandma? Walking away from her casket, suspended above a hole in the ground, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I find myself wondering if that body is cold. Is it comfortable? We took great care making sure her hair was perfect and her suit was beautiful. We made sure she was wearing her favorite shade of lipstick and nail polish along with her favorite bracelet. I sent Shiloh off to the incinerator wrapped up in a favorite blanket. I left many many photos of my little family in my grandma's casket. Why did I feel compelled to do that? It's not like she is lying there looking through photo albums for crying out loud. It's not like she is reading the promises that I wrote on the back and holding me to them. Although I will be keeping those promises:) Why can't I, and so many others that have lost loved ones, let go of these empty, soulless bodies?


I think I have figured out why I can't let go just yet. Those bodies served a very important purpose here on Earth. Not only to those who lived within them, but to their loved ones as well.   Shiloh's body, her coat most especially, served as a tool of comfort for all of us in this house. She knew just when we needed her and she would show up to be petted. Is petted a word? Anyway, she had the softest fur!!! Just the act of stroking that fur brought me to a place of peace and quiet. She would put her head in my lap and tilt it at just the perfect angle to let me know she was listening to me. And my grandma? Her arms held me when I was afraid. They encircled me at night as I was falling asleep. Her hands lovingly brushed my hair and cooked meals to nourish me. They taught me to sew. Her ears listened to me and her mouth gave me advice. Sometimes it was bad advice!! But lots of other times the advice was good:) She was such a character!! Full of a zest and zeal for life like no one else I have ever known. She had the very best laugh and we all heard it often. She had no problem laughing at herself. All with her perfectly, peachy lipsticked mouth! No wonder it's hard for me to let go of their earthly bodies!!! Those bodies did very important things!! Even though Shiloh and my grandma don't need their bodies anymore? I still kind of need them. Most especially my grandma's. I need to hear her tell me she has faith in me and that I'm doing a good job with life. I need a hug from her!! I need her reassurance and her wisdom. I would give almost anything for one more game of Upwords and a bowl of her homemade rice pudding. So there it is...she may not need her earthly body anymore...but I DO still need it....very much...


Which brings me to what I am grateful for today. Isaac is 12&1/2 years old but yet he still hugs me all the time:) He doesn't really cuddle up on the couch with me anymore or let me read books to him or hold my hand through a parking lot...oh how I miss all of those things!!  But he DOES seek me out several times a day to give me enormously huge squeezy hugs!! Sometimes I think he does it just to get on my nerves because he picks the times that I MOST busy. When I am smack dab in the middle of something important like making supper:) I teasingly tell him to shoo and act like it's a big old inconvenience to me, but instead of letting  me go, he just squeezes harder. And I LOVE every. single. second of it!!!!!

2 Down...50 To Go...

I'm a little late in posting this. I'll tell you why in a few minutes. I finished my 2nd book of the year, Next To Love.  I was drawn to it because it had to do with the WWII homefront. I always seem to be drawn to books about WWII so this was a natural selection for me. It wasn't the best book I've ever read. Parts of it were choppy and I think there were just too many narrators at some points. I still really enjoyed the book overall though. It had good character development. It gave me a point of view of the war that I had not previously explored. I learned some new things and that's always, well, almost always, a good thing. Not only did it cover loss and all of the emotions that go with that, it also covered PTSD. Before it had a name of course, because back then we just told people to suck it up and get over it. The book followed the main and supporting characters  not only through the war years, but also through the following years where they had to learn a new normal. It really delved into the negative effects of the war on individuals and also on communities. It was a glimpse into America through a 35 year time span.


So I think what really kept me interested was thinking about my grandma, and what her life was like through those years. I could picture her among the 3 main characters of this book. My grandma never talked about the past. She was very much a look to the future kind of woman. When we were going through her many many pictures we found one of an unknown woman, labeled "my sister". Was this woman really her sister? We have no idea, because she simply didn't share much.   Maybe it was just a good friend? The point is, is that even my grandmother's children, and her own brother, couldn't say for certain that there wasn't a mystery sister out there somewhere. Now we'll never know. I don't want to leave my grandchildren wondering about who I was someday. Maybe that's why I tend to overshare sometimes:)


So anyway, this book really took me back to what could have been my grandmother's younger days and opened up a whole new realm of questions that I wish I could ask her. And that threw me into a tailspin. I'm not gonna lie, it's been a tough week for me. I am questioning so many things right now. It seems like this grief process is one step forward...two steps back. 


So when I don't show up on Facebook, this blog or Pinterest for days at a time? It probably means I am struggling with grief. And lots of times with life in general. In honor of my grandma though, the woman who thought the past was the past and it was best to leave it there, the woman who always looked to the present and the future, I am going to start looking for one thing a day that I am grateful for. Not the big things, the things that of course I'm grateful for and so is everyone else in the World. But the little things, the things I may have to search through the mundane for. 

Nothing Much

Today has been a very low key, lazy sort of day. Other than clearing out some shows on my dvr, laundry and spending way too much time online, I have done, exactly, NOTHING:). And I'm okay with that.


Before the Holidays I cleaned out the garage, the playroom, all of the closets and our storage room. Talk about some BIG jobs!! We got rid of a crazy amount of trash and our sale/donation pile grew by leaps and bounds. Andy and the kids were home for almost 2 weeks over Christmas break. I LOVED having them home...but it wasn't exactly peaceful! They all went back to work and school on Tuesday. You know what they left me with? A humongous mess that's what!! I spent all day Tuesday and Wednesday deep cleaning. I also took down all of our Christmas decorations. Again, 2 very big jobs.


I figure that today I deserved to sit around and do nothing for awhile. To enjoy the silence.  My goal was to plan out our menu for this coming week and to update our family calendar. I didn't do either. There's still a few hours left in the day right? I might get around to it:). What I really want to get around to is a nap. I am seriously contemplating one but I don't think there's enough time to fit one in before I need to go pick kids up. Maybe after they get home I'll sneak in a quick cat nap like my grandma used to do.


On the agenda for tonight is to work on fulfilling some of my goals for this year. I'm gonna kill two birds with one stone. Well, not really!! I like birds:)  I would never actually kill one. But you get what I'm saying.  I'm going to fulfill 2 goals with one task. Bake something from Pinterest for Andy's team at work. These are supposed to be two separate goals each week but I'm just gonna smoosh them together this week. It was a short week after all.


I'm hoping that the kids have minimal homework tonight. There is nowhere that we HAVE to be for once!! I would really like to just enjoy the evening with my clan. Last night I put them to work. They weren't very happy with me. I don't really care that they weren't happy, their chores needed to get done, but I guess it would be a good idea to earn back some cool mom points.


I think I'm gonna go try and sneak in a short nap after all!

1 down, 51 to go.

I finished my first book of 2012. 1 down, 51 to go:) 


I sort of wish I had picked a different book as the first one of the year. I read "Maine" by J. Courtney Sullivan.  It was more of a Summer read than a Winter one. I sort of knew that before I even started the book though so that's my own fault. I'm not even really sure what exactly drew me to the book in the first place. I guess it looked pretty on the library shelf or something. Maybe I was wishing for a bit of sunshine in the middle of this very wet, rainy Winter we've had so far. 


It wasn't a terrible book. Just not a great book. It took awhile to get into at first as I wasn't sure exactly where the plot was headed. Eventually I did end up liking the characters. I think the author did a really great job developing them. At almost 400 pages I felt I knew them pretty well--and could even relate to them on some level. The problem, for me, with the book was that after almost 400 pages I needed some closure. And there was none to be had here. I was invested in these characters!! I NEED to know what happened with them. Instead I ended up with a lot of loose ends. A few loose ends are okay. Real life isn't neat and tidy all the time so I don't really expect my books to be either. But some closure on the bigger issues would've been nice. When I closed the book for the last time I ended up feeling empty. I felt like I didn't know much more in the end than I knew in the beginning. It was unsatisfying to say the least. 


In other news the vet called--It's time to pick up Shiloh's ashes. I can't believe how FAST they were. We dropped off Shiloh's body on Monday morning and they called Tuesday afternoon. I told the kids that we were going to swing by and pick the ashes up after I picked them up from school. Maia just about lost it. She doesn't want to step foot anywhere near that vet's office. And I suspect she really wants nothing to do with the ashes either. Truth be told, neither do I. It's sort of weird to me that we burned our dog's body up and are now going to have these ashes sitting around in a box. What are we supposed to do with them? We really don't have anywhere to scatter them. I'm not sure how I feel about that scenario anyway. Chances are the box with the ashes will be put up on a shelf and eventually forgotten about. Not that Shiloh will be forgotten because that will never happen. Just the ashes. We didn't have many alternatives besides cremation though. You're not supposed to be burying animals in your backyard so that was out. I'm not sure I could have handled that option anyway. A pet cemetery was out of the question too. I know they exist. People buy plots,  caskets and even headstones for their pets all the time. Honestly, I loved and adored my sweet girl, but that seems way over the top to me. There is no way that I would be visiting an animal's grave site with flowers and grave decorations in hand. It's hard enough to do that for the actual people that we have loved and lost. And as much as I loved Shiloh--she wasn't a person. It came down to letting the vet throw her body away or cremation. I couldn't stand the thought of my beloved girl being tossed away like trash so cremation it was. I think picking her up is an Andy job though. I don't think I can handle it. I still miss her so much:( It's very hard adjusting to life without her. 


Wow...that was morbid! Sorry. 

The first day of the new year. Moving forward.

Well, I was going to have a post full of all the great wonderful things that filled our day yesterday. All the wonderful things that we did to kick our New Year day off to a great start. Instead I have this to share. A story about how our dear, sweet Shiloh left this Earth.

 Andy and I had noticed that Shiloh was having a harder time getting up and lying down the last few days. Her back legs seemed to be bothering her but she never really complained. Never whimpered or cried. Yesterday I noticed her breathing was a bit weird. When I pointed it out to Andy though he couldn't see what I was talking about. It was just very subtle. 

Yesterdy afternoon we had company over and Shiloh came out to visit and everything. Maia and her friend Brianna brushed her and loved on her lots. She was still going up and down the stairs and eating. I never would've guessed that she would die just a few short hours later.  She did let Willow lay close to her for the past 2 days though and she has NEVER let her do that before. That should have been our first clue that something was very wrong I guess. Anyway, she camped herself out in front of the laundry room door and wouldn't move when I tried to go in to switch the laundry over. She still popped her head up and greeted me. Licked my hand even, she didn't really act like anything was wrong. It was more like she was being stubborn, which she was really good at, than  about not being able to move. I bent down and rubbed her and told her she didn't need to move that I would do laundry later  Andy, the kids and I all played a board game. We were still in very close proximity to Shiloh though and none of us  heard her whimper, cry or even have labored breathing. When the game was over  Maia needed something from the room that SHiloh was in. She said that she noticed that Shiloh was very still. Too still. Willow was in her cage, crying and pointing her paw towards Shiloh. We didn't put Willow in her cage and her door was open so Maia knew right away that something was very wrong. Willow never goes in her cage voluntarily. Maia went straight to Shiloh and tried to shake her. She shook her again and didn't get any reaction from Shiloh so she screamed for Andy. We all heard her and went running. She died sometime in the hour that we were playing the game. She never made a sound so it must have been a very peaceful passing. Everybody is devastated. Maia is really having a rough time. I wish it had been Andy or me that found her and not Maia. Poor Maia is never going to forget this. Shiloh was Isaac's very best friend. She was always such a good listener.  He is trying so hard to be brave. Isaac was so good to Shiloh. So gentle and kind. He made sure that she received lots of attention every evening. The kids don't even know what life is without Shiloh. She was here before them:) My first baby. The house seems very quiet. And empty. Even though all the rest of us are still here. 

I am thankful that she died peacefully. On her own. I know that we couldn't have made the decision to put her down ourselves. I'm thankful that she's not in pain anymore. I know she's thrilled to be able to run and jump again. She's probably off on some grand adventure.  I'm thankful she was our faithful friend for 14 years. I miss her desperately  though:(  I am sick of death. I can't take any more losses. This year has been too hard. Asher keeps saying that Grandma Eileen has a dog in Heaven now. He thinks they're living together:) I hope he's right. 

Last night she was all wrapped up in a warm blanket, in a box in the garage. I kept wanting to check on her just in case she wasn't really dead, wishful thinking on my part. Andy and Isaac took her to the vet first thing this morning. They will send her off to be cremated.  Can't believe we are starting the year off with yet another death. One of Shiloh's very favorite things was to play in the snow. She loved to catch snowballs:) This morning we woke up to our first flurries of the year. I'm sure those few snowflakes were God letting us know that Shiloh is fine. All is good. Life moves on. 

Before tragedy struck we had a really lovely day! It was filled with lots of laughter and fun. Good food, board games and even a visit from some friends. I read a book, blogged and set up a meal plan. All positive starts to a brand New Year. I am devastated that my girl is gone. She has seen me through many a crises and countless good times too. But, I can't let her death affect my plans, my positive mindset for the start of something new. So while we're sad, and many tears have and will be shed over our loss...we are still moving forward. Still ready to tackle a brand new year with positive attitudes!

The kids head back to school tomorrow. Andy heads back to work. I get to find my normal routine again. Not the routine I followed before break because that routine was sucking the life out of me. But something new, fresh and exciting.  

Hello 2012!!!

We spent New Year's Eve hanging out together. This is our normal tradition. I don't think we've strayed from it since the year Isaac was born. We were invited to a few different places this year that we seriously considered breaking our normal traditions for. I really really wanted to hang out with my in law's. The cost of gas and the distance between our houses prevented that though. It just wouldn't have been a smart choice to travel so far so late. We were also invited over to a friend's home. Unfortunately, before we were even able to accept the invite the party was cancelled. Or we were uninvited might be a more accurate way of putting it.

I'll admit that at first I was seriously disappointed!! But by the end of the evening I was so happy that we stuck with our normal family party. I wouldn't want to ring in the New Year with anyone but my little clan anyways. We watched a Twilight Zone marathon, not my choice at all but it was fun watching Asher get so into it. Apparently he LOVES Twilight Zone! A lot! We played lots of fun board games--Isaac is super fun to play Clue with because we use the exact same strategy :). I can't trick that boy anymore!! And what party would be complete without FOOD!! We had appetizer's, which again falls right in line with our normal traditions. We were all stuffed by the end of the night. Yummy little meatballs, queso, spinach artichoke dip and stuffed mushrooms made all of our bellies happy! I didn't even cook 2 or 3 other recipes that I had planned on making because we had more than enough to keep us happily munching away through midnight!!

All of that is good and all but my favorite traditions center more around discussions than play and food. As a family we always share a best of and worst of (insert previous year here). We go around and share what we want to do differently in the coming year. Individually and as a family. We talk about ways that we can make those goals happen. And then we talk about what accomplishments from the previous year that we were most proud of ourselves for. Andy and I always take time to tell the kids why we are proud of them too: and we share WHY we are proud of them. We give them specific instances that we noticed them doing their best at.  The kids are really open during this talk every year and it never fails that I learn something new about the people that they are becoming. We always always always start the year off with Bible devotions and family prayer. This is really something that we do everyday but we make sure to do it shortly after midnight on New Years. We feel like it gets our family off to a fresh start!! The prayers are specific and in depth.

I don't usually do resolutions. As soon as I add the word resolution I am sure to fail. So I adopt goals instead:) Here are a few of the goals that I shared with my family last night:

I want to:
Start and actually finish a personal devotional.

Have a set time each day to spend with Jesus.

Read 52 books this year.

Blog 5 times a week.

Take a picture every single day.

Learn to use my camera. I have a ton of resources bookmarked but haven't read them yet.

Work out and eat healthy (sigh...I say this every year)

Do several Pinterest projects each week. I keep pinning but not doing:)

Have people over more often.

Do a better job sending out cards and such. Many times a person will pop up in my mind and I'll think I should call them or send them a card. It's probably God's prompting. I always pray for them but never follow through with the card or even a phone call.

Send baked goods into work with Andy one day a week. Haven't decided if I should send them on Monday or Friday. I just know that I want to send him with something each week. His people are really there for him and I want to give back in some way:)

Be more organized with our meal plans. And our evenings. Our evenings now are chaos. I need a better system.

There's more. Lots more. I have lofty goals this year:) But that's all I'm gonna share for now.

Our family's goal is to finally find a church where we belong. Get our finances and budget in order. Gather up a stock pile. Make more connections with other Christian families and of course to spend more meaningful time together!!

Did you make goals this year?

Good Bye 2011!!

It's no secret that 2011 has been a rough year for me.

I lost my grandma to cancer in a very cruel, abrupt way. That woman was like a mother to me and I miss her every. single. day!! Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could call her just to hear her voice. Get her advice. Heck, I would even like to hear her yell at me again:) It was a crushing blow to lose her. In fact, it's the reason that I abandoned my poor blog for so long. It was just too painful to write and share my memories of her.

I also lost my bff this year. In a very very upsetting way:( It was abrupt and completely unexpected. Certain things just can't be "un"done though and this ending was a prime example of that. I found a quote on Pinterest not long after the dissolving of the friendship " At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life". So totally fitting in my life right now in this particular circumstance.

Our church home situation is abysmal at best. We thought we'd found a church home but we're really not feeling it there. Not to mention our small group completely disappeared somewhere along the way. I'm not sure if they've disbanded altogether or if they just ousted only us, but at the end of the day they don't return e-mails and have seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. I can't get return e-mails from the pastor either. Isaac was supposed to be baptized last year but somehow the ball keeps getting dropped at the administration level. I can't figure out why, after over 3 years, God hasn't placed us in a church where we can grow and thrive? Develop Godly relationships and support systems? I know He's trying to teach us something but we really NEED a church home. He just seems so silent lately.

There have been lots of other disappointments and losses along the way. Many many struggles this year in many different areas of my life. So yeah...I'm ready to kick 2011 to the curb!!

I'll keep all the awesome and forget the rest. Some of the awesome moments were learning that my kids are spectacular!! Of course I've always known this but this particular year it was just completely confirmed. They all 3 transitioned to new schools almost effortlessly. They have all 3 made new friends.  Their grades are all wonderful. Asher has worked very hard and has successfully learned to say the "R" sound. Talk about an accomplishment!! He has gained so much confidence in himself. Isaac refused to leave my grandma's bedside as she lay dying. He sat right next to her and held her hand for hours. Maia comforted me in a way no one else could in the hours after my grandma's death. And Asher was just so amazing through the whole thing. He seemed to realize and was able to verbalize better than the other 2 his feelings about our enormous loss. He is the one that still openly talks about grandma and his love for her. Isaac makes me laugh like no one else!! Maia is such a caretaker. A natural nurturer! And Asher is still a cuddlebug. He's a little Cassanova in the making I think. I have the stories to prove it. He is growing and learning by leaps and bounds.

Andy has remained fabulous throughout this past year, even through trials and many tribulations. He gets up and goes to work each and every day even through really difficult circumstances. I know it kills him but he takes his job to support us seriously so he sucks it up. Even though he is exhausted at the end of his work day, he still manages to come home to us in a good mood. He is such a kind, loving husband and a phenomenal father.

We have each other and we have good health. We have a roof over our heads and food on the table. Most importantly we have a God who loves us. He loves us through the good times and the bad times. Even whe He seems silent to me I know He is still there. Loving me and taking care of me.

So good riddance 2011!! You can take all of the unhappiness, the hurt and the pain that you brought with you.  I certainly don't want any of it anymore!! I'll just take the good with me and leave the bad with you. How's that for a deal? I'm ready to stroll into 2012 with a new heart attitude. Here's to a fresh new start World!!